So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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