I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
