I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
