What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
