So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
