Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
