Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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