So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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