6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
