White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
