I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Randomize
