Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
