I'm jealous of your bromance
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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