I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
