Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need water and some morals
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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