I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
