I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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