Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
