dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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