He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
