my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
