dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How does it feel to date your dad?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
