Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
All the doctor said was why
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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