tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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