I think my fart just growled at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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