if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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