Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
