I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
