I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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