I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
