Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
