I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
