We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
