Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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