Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
