I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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