so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
