im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
