cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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