Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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