I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
