I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
