recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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