Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
