I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
