so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
