just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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