I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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