I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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