i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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