You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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