Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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