I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
