someone get that fucking seahorse.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
