My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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