I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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