I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
