dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
