I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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